The Pelham Beacon

Search Continues for Accountability at Pelham Elementary

  news by Parnel Livingston

Last week, the town was shaken by the news of a mysterious ailment affecting Ida Harmanston's first grade class. On Monday, the class went on a field trip to pick peaches at the Lucky Thirteen Orchard in Greenville.

However, on Tuesday all those who went on the field trip (except for Ida Harmanston) were kept home from school, for stomach cramps and fever. The sheriff has told the Pelham Beacon that he suspects foul play, or at least illegal chemical dumping in or around the Lucky Thirteen Orchard.

Sheriff Spackman's youngest child, Jules, is one of the children still in critical condition. The sheriff reports that Jules is delusional, and keeps talking about the "fish thing." Curiously, the Munce family reports similar ramblings from their only child, Verne.

The sheriff's department is investigating Ida Harmanston, the Lucky Thirteen Orchard, and nearby businesses. Doctor Cooper is unable to identify the disease. The sheriff's office (at the suggestion of Doctor Cooper) has sent phlegm samples from the children, for analysis at the National Center for Disease Control.

UnGodly Cult Pollutes Local Moral Structure

  editorial by Abby Konstaad

The town of Pelham has been in the public eye of late. Not for its high school football team, which made it into the state semi-finals this past winter. And not for the recently revamped recycling program which will lessen the amount of trash dumped in local landfills by an estimated seven tons over the next three years. No, Pelham's claim to fame with the rest of the nation is fated to be that it serves as host to a church of vampires.

The self-proclaimed "Church of the Eucharist" has set itself up on a farm on the outskirts of town, and has weekly sermons which include the drinking of human blood. State health inspectors shut down Jack's Diner due to a violation of health codes, and yet these cultists are allowed to undertake these unhealthy and barbaric practices, all under the banner of freedom of religion? What's next, allowance of ritual sacrifice because it's "just part of our religious belief"? Sounds like these practices being allowed has less to do with religion and more to do with the Church of the All-Mighty Dollar.

Historic Pelham B&B to Close its Doors

  living section by Mackie Dougal

One of the oldest ammunition stores in the country, the Pelham Booze And Bullets, was forced to close its doors to make way for a K-Mart, and after a fire destroyed the old shop, according to proprietor Lanakin Dougal.

The B&B (originally operating under the title "Pelham Hunting Association") has been selling ammunition to Pelham's best and brightest since 1842, with only a temporary hiatus in the 1860s when the Dougal family had gone underground to arm the rebels against the carpetbaggers.

Business slowed substantially, from the 1890s until the 1920s. But, the Pelham Hunting Association had new life breathed into it, when they began distributing liquor during prohibition; becoming the most well-armed speakeasy in the state. After prohibition, the Dougals decided to legitimize the Pelham Hunting Association, and changed its name to the Pelham Booze and Bullets, providing liquor and firearms.

But, after the federal government started putting tagents into gunpowder, the local market for the B&B dried up. Lanakin Dougal has tried many things to protect this local treasure, but the K-Mart lawyers prevented attempts to name the spot a historical landmark. Eventually, the K-Mart offered a pittance for the old B&B, but Lanakin stated that with tough times ahead, the family has to accept the settlement package.

As if this wasn't bad enough luck for the Dougal family, a fire claimed the store last month. County police assured us that the fire was not arson, so the K-Mart can't be held responsible for the blaze. About 500 pounds of munitions were stolen while the shop was ablaze, according to the sheriff. Fortunately for Lanakin, he had just purchased extensive fire and theft insurance last year, which helped cover these losses.

The sheriff assures us that he will attempt to track down the missing firearms. Lanakin Dougal says that if anybody who is duly licensed to deal in firearms contacts him, he will be glad to put them in touch with friends who will sell their munitions stock cheap; apparently the B&B is not the only firearms store to fall on hard times in this modern day.

If anyone would like to offer donations to relieve the unfortunate Dougal family, which says that they may have to forgo Christmas this year, please send donations care of this newspaper.

For more information, please email
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